Catching Up

credit to depsycho at Deviant Art (chained heart)

I’d like to be chased

by the one

know what it feels like

to be caught

captured

engulfed in the madness

that is love.

I’d like to be pursued

relentlessly

bounty hunter

price tag on my ass

worth the exhaustion

chased.

I’d like to be ensnared

tangled

breathless in my attempt to escape

resigned to stay

trapped.

I’d like to be enslaved

shackled

willingly committed

to unwilling moments

imprisoned.

By love

My Existence

I feel prettier when he forgets that I am
Dress for me
Remind myself that he isn’t validation
I was phenomenal, fly, hundred proof
Certified
Before he came along

I feel sexier when he forgets that I am
Use my womanhood to my advantage
Control my environment without thinking of him
Hips swaying, heels clicking, thighs flexing when I walk
Thoroughbred
When he leaves

I feel more powerful when he tries to dismiss me
Make decisions that don’t regard his needs
Flex my finger, pull triggers
Straight back, quirked eyebrow, arms folded
Boss  (but ladylike)
Even if he doesn’t return

This is my universe
The experience of my existence
All that I am

Reformation of the Bad Girl

http://

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

There’s a certain awareness that comes from being a girl born in a major city, who looks 18 at 13, and who’s a natural creative.  Everything about me was feelings, feelings, and more feelings.  Add a few daddy issues, cover it in the kisses of some mommy issues and voila….bad girl (smiling at the thought).  No amount of private schooling or Sunday mornings, afternoons or evenings at church can cure it.  What’s internal becomes external.  Natural curiosity is a dangerous thing when coupled with restriction and a banging body.

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

So that’s the quick without the dirty (the book will be good), I was a bad girl waiting to break free.  I have always had a love of life and a mind of my own.  A conservative Christian family that is trying hard to keep you on the straight and narrow without really discussing the truth of day to day life can be the exact opposite of what you need when you’ve seen enough to know that the other side is pretty damn interesting.  They were and are wonderful people but life isn’t perfect and neither was I.

I’ve been bad…no doubt

Marriage, children, a professional life, and a strong spiritual life weren’t enough to keep the bad girl at bay.  She was always there.  Suit up during the day and free up at night.  How free?  That’s another story for another day let’s just say that I tried to satisfy a few curiosities.  Being married to someone who was equally curious about certain aspects of life was helpful and dangerous at the same time.  Dangerous how?  When a man is satisfied it can be hard to say “no” to the woman he loves, when a woman isn’t ever fully satisfied she pushes for more and soon, she doesn’t ask, she just does.

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

Experience, maturity and a slap on the ass–my preference– from life can change things a bit.  The bad girl jogs into situations instead of runs, learns how to ignore the “words” thrown her way and takes less advantage of the weakness of men.  The bad girl learns to appreciate “how” someone loves her instead of “that” he does.

I’ve been bad..no doubt.

The one.  He comes along and engages the bad girl.  She’s purring like a sweet little kitty.  All of a sudden the bad girl is finding a measure of control that she never knew she would want to engage and interestingly enough it’s from a bad boy.  He’s loving her, she’s loving him back all while her good girl is gaining a little more power.  He loves her bad girl and definitely isn’t trying to change it but in the words of Wale, “he’s humbling her mean ass”.  And she’s not resisting.

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

But all of a sudden she’s being bad for one person.  The reformation has taken place.  Experience polishes the diamond and she is only interested in shining for him.  Behind closed doors the bad girl reigns supreme, publicly she regresses.

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

The bad girl still exhibits herself in swaying hips that can’t be contained, a smirk that unintentionally conveys messages that she may not mean and causes her to question if he can love the good girl.  Will he have as much fun with the good girl?

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

Make it easy, let’s be bad together.  But in the end, I’ll be good for you.

Trialbulations

credit to buenasmaritana.deviantart.com

I forgot the truth of the matter
The feeling of reality
Until I remembered
What he said and how I heard it
“I can’t give you what you need”
Hmmm…

Do I come at him, firing on all cylinders?
Guns blazing with motherfuckers and bullshits
No, that just wouldn’t be right
I respect his gangster way too much for that
Could never attempt to snip his manhood with caustic words
Not when I knew the truth

This was a trialbulation
A trial so big it seemed relationship altering
The rising of spirits wrapping us in heavy cloaks
And he, was a man
A stranger to problems he couldn’t fix
Or the ones that he knew he was creating

No “fuck you” or “who the hell do you think you are” was necessary
I loved him and knew his caramel skin with eyes to match could draw me in
So why pretend?

He believed there was finality in his statement
I knew that he would never find a new beginning
This was no ego trip
Purely the truth borne of his consequence
I wanted to save him, keep him from becoming someones scrap metal
But how?

How do you explain the profundity of loss to someone who knows it all?
Who doesn’t realize what they are losing
Do I tell him that “we had orgasms for a minute but only I could make him come for a lifetime
He’s a man, too in the moment to realize that….yet
And I was a woman, still his woman, not too proud to agree that he did that for me

If he’s crazy he’ll attempt it…
Searching for warmth between a pair of nameless thighs
Sure to find it
Yes, the groupies will be present
They will mew and meow
Purr over his greatness temporarily
I would magnify it

Someone will come
She won’t be me…she’ll always be just someone
He will know that but attempt to recreate it
They will attend temple together
None will compare to the one we built
It will be Godless

Simple movie theater moments will be incomplete
They won’t end with mind numbing cranial moments
That head in the front seat of your ride
Nigga please, who know’s your lingam like me?

You’ll run your hand down her back
That dip you remember will be no more
The softness below will seem artificial
I am the last truth you will ever know

He came at me on some new school bull”ish”
Didn’t I select your ass because you were prime?
Put that little boy shit away and recognize that you were papi to my mami
Shit happens and Fab still comes for Em
Likewise, you can’t escape the essence of me

Can’t you see
I crowned you
Promoted the truth of your Kingliness
Reminded you to believe
That’s what this good love can do

“I can’t be what you need right now”
He wants to ignore the power
You’ve always been just who you are-imperfect but mine
I know how to get what I need from that
Learn to appreciate that
Or live to regret where you land

Trialbulations