Reformation of the Bad Girl

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I’ve been bad…no doubt.

There’s a certain awareness that comes from being a girl born in a major city, who looks 18 at 13, and who’s a natural creative.  Everything about me was feelings, feelings, and more feelings.  Add a few daddy issues, cover it in the kisses of some mommy issues and voila….bad girl (smiling at the thought).  No amount of private schooling or Sunday mornings, afternoons or evenings at church can cure it.  What’s internal becomes external.  Natural curiosity is a dangerous thing when coupled with restriction and a banging body.

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

So that’s the quick without the dirty (the book will be good), I was a bad girl waiting to break free.  I have always had a love of life and a mind of my own.  A conservative Christian family that is trying hard to keep you on the straight and narrow without really discussing the truth of day to day life can be the exact opposite of what you need when you’ve seen enough to know that the other side is pretty damn interesting.  They were and are wonderful people but life isn’t perfect and neither was I.

I’ve been bad…no doubt

Marriage, children, a professional life, and a strong spiritual life weren’t enough to keep the bad girl at bay.  She was always there.  Suit up during the day and free up at night.  How free?  That’s another story for another day let’s just say that I tried to satisfy a few curiosities.  Being married to someone who was equally curious about certain aspects of life was helpful and dangerous at the same time.  Dangerous how?  When a man is satisfied it can be hard to say “no” to the woman he loves, when a woman isn’t ever fully satisfied she pushes for more and soon, she doesn’t ask, she just does.

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

Experience, maturity and a slap on the ass–my preference– from life can change things a bit.  The bad girl jogs into situations instead of runs, learns how to ignore the “words” thrown her way and takes less advantage of the weakness of men.  The bad girl learns to appreciate “how” someone loves her instead of “that” he does.

I’ve been bad..no doubt.

The one.  He comes along and engages the bad girl.  She’s purring like a sweet little kitty.  All of a sudden the bad girl is finding a measure of control that she never knew she would want to engage and interestingly enough it’s from a bad boy.  He’s loving her, she’s loving him back all while her good girl is gaining a little more power.  He loves her bad girl and definitely isn’t trying to change it but in the words of Wale, “he’s humbling her mean ass”.  And she’s not resisting.

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

But all of a sudden she’s being bad for one person.  The reformation has taken place.  Experience polishes the diamond and she is only interested in shining for him.  Behind closed doors the bad girl reigns supreme, publicly she regresses.

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

The bad girl still exhibits herself in swaying hips that can’t be contained, a smirk that unintentionally conveys messages that she may not mean and causes her to question if he can love the good girl.  Will he have as much fun with the good girl?

I’ve been bad…no doubt.

Make it easy, let’s be bad together.  But in the end, I’ll be good for you.

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Trialbulations

credit to buenasmaritana.deviantart.com

I forgot the truth of the matter
The feeling of reality
Until I remembered
What he said and how I heard it
“I can’t give you what you need”
Hmmm…

Do I come at him, firing on all cylinders?
Guns blazing with motherfuckers and bullshits
No, that just wouldn’t be right
I respect his gangster way too much for that
Could never attempt to snip his manhood with caustic words
Not when I knew the truth

This was a trialbulation
A trial so big it seemed relationship altering
The rising of spirits wrapping us in heavy cloaks
And he, was a man
A stranger to problems he couldn’t fix
Or the ones that he knew he was creating

No “fuck you” or “who the hell do you think you are” was necessary
I loved him and knew his caramel skin with eyes to match could draw me in
So why pretend?

He believed there was finality in his statement
I knew that he would never find a new beginning
This was no ego trip
Purely the truth borne of his consequence
I wanted to save him, keep him from becoming someones scrap metal
But how?

How do you explain the profundity of loss to someone who knows it all?
Who doesn’t realize what they are losing
Do I tell him that “we had orgasms for a minute but only I could make him come for a lifetime
He’s a man, too in the moment to realize that….yet
And I was a woman, still his woman, not too proud to agree that he did that for me

If he’s crazy he’ll attempt it…
Searching for warmth between a pair of nameless thighs
Sure to find it
Yes, the groupies will be present
They will mew and meow
Purr over his greatness temporarily
I would magnify it

Someone will come
She won’t be me…she’ll always be just someone
He will know that but attempt to recreate it
They will attend temple together
None will compare to the one we built
It will be Godless

Simple movie theater moments will be incomplete
They won’t end with mind numbing cranial moments
That head in the front seat of your ride
Nigga please, who know’s your lingam like me?

You’ll run your hand down her back
That dip you remember will be no more
The softness below will seem artificial
I am the last truth you will ever know

He came at me on some new school bull”ish”
Didn’t I select your ass because you were prime?
Put that little boy shit away and recognize that you were papi to my mami
Shit happens and Fab still comes for Em
Likewise, you can’t escape the essence of me

Can’t you see
I crowned you
Promoted the truth of your Kingliness
Reminded you to believe
That’s what this good love can do

“I can’t be what you need right now”
He wants to ignore the power
You’ve always been just who you are-imperfect but mine
I know how to get what I need from that
Learn to appreciate that
Or live to regret where you land

Trialbulations

The Pain

I never would consider myself a masochist
No great desire for pain has ever overwhelmed me
until…
I read your thoughts through the windows of your soul as you hovered…above me
Your breath like a warm tradewind, sweet
exhaling over my peaks and through the passages of my lush valley
I catch my lip between my teeth, waiting
The pending waves crest at my thighs

We exchanged words without the gift of verbal communique
Your movements become my sole command….hips raising, legs wrapping, nails raking down a well worked back.
Is this the moment that I have yearned for?
I consider myself a pacifist, welcoming harmony, yet I am silently anticipating the next wave of pain.

My stomach tightens with every forward motion
inner thighs are slick
I mentally check vitals
heart? racing
vision? blurry
ears? ringing
breath?  baited

You lean in, lips poised to graze the plain of my neck
I am not prepared as teeth meet skin
gently nipping below my ear
My pulse signifying life to your lips
while the pleasure of a thousand deaths wash over me

Veined forearms push up
Muscles tighten across shoulders stained with ink
an art gallery of personal feelings
verified on caramel skin
concern creases your brow…does my no mean yes?
I pull you back providing you answers
you acquiesce, your compliance is my pleasure

Flat stomach meets soft curves
defined pectorals crush brown silver dollar nipples
the moment of concern is replaced by need
there is no fear only welcome
I realize this could go on all night
but then
there is transference
no longer am I the sole owner of this pleasurable hurt
you groan animalistically
I reap the reward of a shaft hardened further by
seed ready to be sown
you grip my hips bruising tender skin
I am coaxing you along 
come baby, cum, experience
 the pain.

Sinners Absolution

These same knees bowing before the altar
Asking for forgiveness from the Heavenly Father
Sought a blessing at the altar of an alternative god
Prayed for an anointment of your holy waters
Received the communion of one at your waist-high table
Hallowed be…

These same hands crossed breasts signaling my request for absolution
Seeking reconciliation to bring me closer to the Virgin Mother
Last night hands caressed breasts reminding me of virginity long gone
Removing any purity that remained, crossing boundaries
Creating mutual agreement of mind and body
Making me call
Thy Name…

These same lips utter Hail Mary’s reverently
Hoping to remove any sin that may remain
Mind veering toward the transgression that is yet to come
My lips your skin, shaft covered with liquid
Hoping to see
Thy Kingdom Come…

Reverence mixed with sacrilege
Fear overtaken by desire
Seeking right but steering toward wrong
You are the only mission that I want to complete
On Earth…

This mouth opens wide
Calling Christ, issuing “Oh My God’s”
Followed by words not to be combined with the Holiest of Holies
Please don’t exorcise me
I have just found out exactly what it means to be
As it is in Heaven…

© Stephanie Bryant 2012

Our Skin

Clashed in an amalgamation of
cocoa & caramel
blended in honey & cinnamon
swirled with amber & onyx
combined the beauty of dusk & midnight

Melded into one brilliant concoction
a confection of sweet and bitter moments
lingering on the tongue
tainting the taste buds of my life

Intertwined for seconds, minutes, hours
was history in the making for days
remained in the forefront of my mind for months
stretched and twisted
bended and flexed
created muscle memory that allowed a limberness I had never known

Exhibited anger and fear
passion and regret
melancholy and exhilaration
bi-polar moments

Ran you off
but pulled you in
confused this fling
with long-term

Rocked foundations
moved buildings
created a fault greater than the San Andreas
made your neighbors duck and cover

Sugary sweet
made the diabetic seize
breastfed newborn love
cured hunger in the mothers land

I stand in awe when I think that Our Skin

started fires in the dead of winter
smoldered in the downpours
clapped louder than Gabriel’s thunder
each meeting as unique as one snowflake

And ultimately I know that Our Skin

has ruined you for the next
will never let you forget
and when your toes curl with her
places my name on your lips

© 2010 Stephanie Bryant-Freeman