We all do it…check out. You know that non-committal fashion of doing the necessary or “phoning it in”. We’re all guilty.
A friend of mine (sidebar: I know people say that when they’re talking about themselves and don’t want to disclose but if you read my poetry you know that I disclose plenty so this is really a true statement with me), now about that friend….she was discussing the distance between her and her fiancée. Her biggest feeling was one of disconnect. An even greater feeling was in how they perceived the demonstration of love. She thought that love was grandiose gestures, constant connection and verbal emotives. He thought it was being a caretaker. Your hedges are trimmed (not in the sexy figurative way), your lawn mowed (yeah, again not that way) and appliances in the house were never broken. Her determination was that he was emotionally unavailable.
I don’t know that I agree with her definition of emotionally unavailable because I’ve been there. I’ve been in the position of trying to figure out if someone loved me or even cares and it wasn’t because he wasn’t doing things for me or saying the words but because he had closed the emotional passageways in our relationship. I could no longer be sure that I knew his intentions or understood his desire to be with me. Was it just to fill space and time? Was it because it was easier than knowing I was with someone else? And, while expressing all of this to him, my love, I got responses that lacked passion. The right words without the warmth. No matter how I pushed he wasn’t responding to my gestures.
You know the moment in Dreamgirls where Effie (Jennifer Hudson) is singing I’m Not Going? There is a point where it is only she and the man she loves, Curtis (Jamie Foxx) left in the room and she says “Please stay and hold me, Mr. Man, Try it mister, try it mister I know, I know, I know you can”. It is a painful moment! As she is grasping at his suit jacket, and looking at him pleading musically for him to STAY AND LOVE ME, he is battling his emotion and works to steel himself against her (see the pic below). I’VE BEEN THERE!
I’ve been there and I’ve been scared. I’ve been terrified of my reaction. You see, it’s not the hurt that is the worst part of having a partner become emotionally unavailable, it’s the result. I become emotionally available. I’m not embarrassed to admit the powerful feeling of knowing that someone loves you and only you. That he isn’t looking anywhere else because you satisfy his wants and needs. I’m being painfully honest when I divulge how emotionally available I become when I’m pushed away. I’m a love seeker and passion is my drug. Put it in a syringe and I’ll shoot up. Offer it in pill form and I’ll develop a 20-pill-a-day habit. Love with the right person is a high that you can’t find anywhere else until you have to find it somewhere else.
I like to call it Google love. I’m getting all of the results with one search engine. My tabs are maximized and no other tabs can be opened in this session. I can’t function for any other user because the current user has the browser all wrapped up and I like it!
So that’s where it is. I don’t want to be involved with an emotionally unavailable spirit because it forces me to seek life’s other possibilities. Besides, you can only win in love if you make yourself vulnerable to the journey and all its bumps, scrapes, bruises as well as it’s hugs and kisses–OPEN IS AVAILABLE and no one likes a “closed for business” sign?